Spider...

I was laying on my couch watching Netflix.
It was some cheesy dramatic romantic comedy,
with a stress on the drama and a horrible on the comedy.
I was relaxed and happy.
Then I looked at my leg and saw something on my thigh.
It took a split second to register what it was.
It was a spider.
The biggest spider I had ever seen.
It was the size of a Pringle.
I screamed.
I screamed so loud that my voice wavered.
At the same moment I screamed,
I leaped off of my couch,
throwing my laptop to the ground,
and swiped at the mutant spider.
But I have depth perception issues,
and I completely missed the spider,
so this monstrosity is still crawling up my thigh,
I swiped at it again and it fell off and crawled under the air vent.
My roommate woke up when I screamed and jumped out of bed yelling,
"What happened?
Where are you?
What's going on?
Are you ok?
Where are you?"
While running to our bathroom chemical supply,
I scream back at my roommate,
"I NEED THE CHEMICALS TO KILL IT,
IVE BEEN ATTACKED BY A SPIDER"
I grab a bottle of green cleaner and run back to the vent.
The spider has disappeared at this point,
but I spray the vent with about a pint of green cleaner.
I then sat watch by the vent for a good 45 minutes with no signs of life.
The spider was never seen again.

Organist Shane...

My all time favorite organist was Shane.
He was probably the worst organist of all time.
His first Sunday at my church,
he decided that the hymn we were singing was a little mundane,
so he jazzed it up by playing it in a really weird key.
I have never heard a greater trainwreck at church.
Ah but the grandeur doesn't stop there.
During the offertory,
he was supposed to play the piano for a soloist.
We all sat in breathless silence waiting for him to get all the pieces of sheet music lined up on the piano.
For some reason he thought he could line ten pieces of paper up on the piano without dropping any.
Miraculously he got them all on there.
They had already finished passing the offering plate around by the time he started playing.
He played about two lines before stopping,
staring harshly at the first page,
and then starting all over again and playing the exact same thing.
The soloist started to sing and two pages fell off of the piano.
I was in suspense waiting for him to get to those pages and see what his solution would be.
Would he stop playing?
Would he adlib?
Would he lean over and try to see the pages on the floor?
To everyone's distress,
this woman ruined the impending amusement by walking to the front and picking up the pages for him.
Unfortunately he finished the piece perfectly.
Finally the choir had one more song to perform.
They had chosen an acapella arrangement and Shane's only part was to play the starting notes.
He played the chord.
The choir stared at him.
He played another chord.
The director turned around and mouthed something to him.
He finally played a last chord that sounded halfway decent.
I say decent,
but when the choir started singing it sounded like a tone deaf orchestra.
It was terrifyingly wonderful.
Sadly,
Shane did not return after that marvelous Sunday,
but his legacy still lives on.

Bathrooms...

The other day I was super frustrated,
so I did what every girl does in that mood,
I cleaned my bathroom.
I technically am only supposed to clean the toilet because responsibilities are split between me and my other two roommates.
But I decided to just clean the entire bathroom.
When I got to the shower,
I saw a hair stuck in the drain.
I tried to get the hair but it seemed to be caught.
I knelt down to see what was going on and I couldn't figure it out.
I lifted the drain cover and saw a massive glob of hair.
I gagged and dropped the cover.
Then I went to get some gloves and a trashbag.
When I finally got up the courage to pull off the drain cover,
out comes a three foot long hairball.
This was no normal hairball.
It was covered in rotting shampoo.
It weighed about 5 pounds.
It smelled like rotting metal.
It was disgusting.
I may never clean another shower.

Licenced to drive...

I am 21 years old and I got my driver's licence yesterday.
I guess three times is a charm because that was my third test.
The first test,
the instructor was extremely intimidating,
she got into the car and couldn't even fit so she had to push the seat as far back as it would go.
Then she gave me the worst instructions ever.
The second time I was determined to have fun regardless of whether I failed.
So I talked to the instructor the entire time.
She was really sweet.
But I ran up on the curb during parallel parking and was disqualified.
I was originally going to take my test at a DMV in my hometown,
but a wrong turn took us to a podunk DMV in the middle of nowhere.
I thought it was going to be much easier so I decided to test my luck and take the test there.
It was so much harder,
the course was longer and included random things I didn't have to do during the other tests I had taken before.
The instructor was not so friendly.
She wore sunglasses read off a sheet and did not smile.
She was not one for small talk or talk in general.
Any question I would ask she would respond with "What would you do".
It was altogether miserable.
At the end she spent 15 minutes telling me all of my mistakes.
And her only compliment was that I had a perfect 3-point turn.
Then she told me I passed.
Up until then I was clueless as to whether I had actually passed or failed.

Personality

If you want to know what my personality consists of, check out this chart:

Class embarrassment...

The other day I was running late to class because I forgot to staple my paper together.

I entered class and my teacher was still getting his notes together. 

So I went to the front and turned in my paper that happened to be two week late.

When I was walking off to my seat I accidentely kicked my teacher's bag,

then the strap ended up around my ankle and I dragged the bag a couple feet.

I shook the bag off my leg and ran to my seat. 

I sit down and look up and the bag is sitting in the middle of the floor.

Everyone is staring at me.

Then my friend says "WHY DON'T YOU GO PUT IT BACK?"

To which I reply "I can never go to the front of the class again"

And this girl got up from the other side of the room and put the bag back.

And for the rest of the night I was teased about the bag. 

So embarrassing. 

G's Love Story...

Last week:

G: "I don't think I will ever find a man who I would want to date. I'll probably just stay single forever, but I don't really care"

(Paraphrased into my own words)

This week:

G: "VIRGINIA I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU!"

So basically what had happened was there was an alumni soccer player, Daniel, visiting, who G knew.
She went to talk to him and she ended up meeting his friend, Brian,
who was also an alumni who graduated before G went to school here.
All three of them went to dinner.
But Gabby and Brian talked the entire time and hit it off great,
and when they said goodbye he kissed her on the forehead!
According to G,
they are basically the same person in different genders.
So the next day she invited him to something,
which ticked him off because he wanted to be a man and invite her to something first.
So he called her while she was at the mall with her short friend,
and he basically told her that he really liked her and was interested in her and wanted to go on a date with her.
Of course G said yes.
And they have been texting/talking ever since.

When she told me this story,
I decided that it would be a good idea to mix their faces and see if their babies would be cute.
So I got this app that morphs faces (or so it said).
And I morphed their faces.
(You should know that both G and Brian are white)
It took the app several minutes to generate,
I joked that it would probably be just a really bad photoshop morph.
Then it worked.
And G and I died laughing uncontrollably.
It was an adorable african-american child smiling at us.
Worst app ever.

So yeah,
essentially they are going to live happily ever after.